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Consulting: in English and Estonian - Evelin Vahter
The power of forgiveness!
But how can you love, when somebody hurts me so much, if someone has done this and that to me..
"The story of father and daughter". Pastor, my daughter is so mean to me, she screams and slams doors, and I can't love her, and I react in the same way. The pastor thinks and says, go home, hug your daughter for five minutes. A man thinks and says, it's easy for you to say. I have to go home. The man goes home. He himself hopes that maybe his daughter is not at home. Knocks on the door of her daughter's room.
The man goes to his daughter. The daughter gets up from the table.
The man grabs his daughter around, holds her. Look, just a minute, how does the time go by so slowly today? Only two minutes, maybe there is something wrong with the clock? Three minutes and then the holy spirit will fall. The daughter starts to cry and the father starts to cry. FORGIVENESS WILL COME, LOVE WILL COME.
Don't murder, don't commit adultery, don't steal, don't lie, honor your father and mother, and love your neighbors as you do yourself!
I have noticed that people have very different understandings of forgiveness. It is constantly recommended to forgive each other (well, sometimes revenge is also recommended, of course), but what does this forgiveness mean anyway and why is it so difficult?
Psychology professor Robert Enright points out what forgiveness is NOT:
• Forgiveness is not forgetting.
• Forgiveness is not about making excuses, justifying and pointing fingers.
• Forgiveness is not reconciliation.
• Forgiveness is not an expression of weakness that makes you callous or numb to evil.
Forgiveness is not really a goal in itself, but a "by-product" of growing and opening up in love, or a gift of love. Through the process of forgiveness, all pain leaves, it is liberation from the past and the power of other people over our well-being.
What does this mean in practice?
The fact that you can't forgive on command or simply by stating it with words, without feeling the feelings and admitting it to yourself. One may have the will to forgive, but it still takes time because we have to dive in and go through all the feelings we feel. This time also depends on what needs to be forgiven and how a person understands forgiveness. There is a big difference between forgiving a neighbor for the noise of his lawnmower in the early morning or a murderer for killing a loved one. Survivors of the Holocaust and deportations have shared their experience that if "it goes well", the victim of such an event will be able to forgive during their lifetime, but this may not happen at the same time. Psychologists have discovered the therapeutic side of forgiveness by studying, for example, victims of incest and the effects of forgiveness on them. When the victims were taught about forgiveness and explained its nature, the result was that they felt significantly better.
If a person too quickly adopts the attitude of a forgiver and his goal is forgiveness as such, then this is called pseudo-forgiveness. It can also happen in case of injury to honor and to prove one's strength or superiority. In this case, there is no release of pain, instead there is a "covering of the pain jar" - the pain remains, it is simply hidden and suppressed. From there, over time, physical diseases also arise.
Luule Viilma (Estonian doctor) talks about forgiveness as the key to healing from illnesses and says this about forgiveness: "How to forgive? There are three parties in the game: 1) bad, 2) me 3) my body. Thus:
• I forgive you for what you did to me - I thank you for the valuable lesson.
• I forgive myself for absorbing or inviting this badness - I'm not perfect yet, so there's no reason to blame myself.
• I ask my body for forgiveness that I did harm to my body with it - the body is the one that physically receives all the energy from both the internal and external world, it is not the easiest task."
Marina Paula Eberth (Founder and manager, trainer and therapist at Holistic Institute) has simply and vividly explained the nature of forgiveness: "Forgiveness is possible only when the emotions related to the event have been experienced, when anger and pain have been recognized and expressed. True forgiveness comes from deep within the heart."
Something can come from deep in the heart only if the heart is open and therefore vulnerable.
So - if you have been hurt in any way, you have to go through this pain to the end. Any bad emotion becomes poison when locked inside. However, if you express this emotion honestly and dare to be hurt, weak and angry, then both body and mind are cleansed. This means that pain heals when the heart remains open, meeting the different layers of pain. By feeling and expressing the pain born of this "badness", it leaves us and our open heart is able to love even more. Forgiveness then "happens" as if by itself, when the pain is gone - forgiveness is a gift of love. And the one who gains the most from it is the forgiver himself. Sometimes the injured person may not even know about forgiveness or may not even be among the living anymore.
And there is another aspect - sometimes we ourselves have done something that creates a feeling of guilt and for which we need to ask for forgiveness. In this case too, in addition to realizing what has been done and asking for forgiveness from the heart, it is not necessary to forget oneself, but to face one's guilt and other things that have come with it, and also to forgive oneself one's mistake and one's imperfection. This is also not always as easy as it may sound.
In conclusion - forgiveness is born by going through pain with an open heart and expressing it, thus cleansing yourself of pain and its remnants. It takes courage to face the pain. It also requires the courage to show one's weakness, imperfection and vulnerability. "Only strong people dare to show their weakness to others." (M.P. Eberth)
Forgiveness is a gift to ourselves and through it love grows within us and around us.
The first step - you have to agree with yourself that it is necessary, you can accept help, and start moving in this direction to allow a specialist to help you - and the result will be more and more wonderful every time.
They are often afraid.. of what will happen and what will arise when I go to therapy. But what comes to the surface is only the repressed pain and suffering that you have carried inside you for years, which you can simply, with tears look at it, put it away, let go with saying goodbye and lovingly accept a new and brighter place where it is ease to be.
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